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How to Overcome the Effects Of An Abusive Relationship

If you’re like me, you have had the tendency to seek out things that are not good for you. Maybe it’s the challenge of it all, maybe there is a slight immaturity to want what you can’t have like a toddler in the candy aisle, or maybe it’s to seek validation from someone who won’t give it.

Either way, here we are. Trying to figure out how to deal with the outcome. First, I think it is important to talk about what you SHOULD look for in relationships, whether platonic or romantic:

1). Respect.

What you want, baby they better have it. Without respect, your relationship will never be what it could. I mean this in all aspects. You should not be around someone who is constantly trying to find your flaws or doesn’t genuinely support your dreams without judgement. These people are toxic.

2). Trust.

You guys, I cannot stress this enough. If you do not trust someone, do not be around them. The amount of mental energy it takes to be around these people is simply not worth it. The never knowing if they mean what they say, the curiosity of how often they talk about you behind your back while saying the opposite to your face….again, toxic. This applies to your romantic relationships as well. If someone is not respecting the fact that you have a s/o and is trying to make sexual advances, they also are not respecting you. Time to say peace out to them whether it’s easy or not.

3). Honesty.

This kind of ties in with trust, but this is important enough to get it’s own section. I don’t know about you, but gone are the days that I am willing to wonder if someone isn’t talking to me anymore because of something I said or did, or if they “were asleep”. That is such a small, seemingly unimportant example, but it starts there and just continues to grow. However, I will put a disclaimer that if you expect honesty, you also have to be 100% honest yourself.

The road to healing:

If you have been in an abusive relationship, you view the world differently. Where previously there was a lot of restriction on personal expression, now there is not. And not only is that okay, but that is wonderful.

At this point you were taught to feel invalid. You were constantly broken down to the point where your self confidence is all but non existent. This creates a chain reaction to other areas of your life where you are afraid to try new things, you develop a belief that you have to keep feelings to yourself, and when it comes down to what you want to do with your life, you’re faced with uncertainty.

Here are my top tips:

1). Find someone you TRUST to talk to about how you’re feeling. In your previous abusive relationship, your emotions were probably often dismissed and you need to get that out.

2). Take care of yourself. You have to respect your mind and body to be able to heal. Drink water, get enough sleep, develop a workout routine. This will create a belief that you do deserve good treatment from yourself and from others.

3). Reflect and forgive. I’m going to be honest with you, I am still working on this. To be able to reflect and examine your past, you almost have to relive it and sometimes that is too much….but this MUST be done to move forward. If it helps, I recommend setting aside a time of day to allow yourself to think. This way it doesn’t become a constant battle throughout the day and you are mentally prepared to do what you have to do.

4). Let yourself feel everything. YOUR EMOTIONS ARE VALID. If you don’t eventually let yourself feel them, you will never let go and you will never grow. Let yourself cry, talk to that person you trust, or write it down. Writing has been my favorite outlet out of all of these.

“In the process of letting go, you will lose many things from the past, but you will find yourself.” – Deepak Chopra

Have you been in an emotionally distant/abusive relationship? What helped you?

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How To Set Goals and Achieve Them: Part II

If you have been keeping up with my blog, you know that 2018 has been about finding the best version of myself. Let me tell you, it has been WORK. Constant doubt, pushing myself out of my comfort zone, wanting to take the easy way out. It isn’t easy. This process has taken me to some of the best books I’ve ever read and listened to some of the best speakers I’ve ever heard. Know what’s interesting? They all say pretty much the same thing. In my How To Set Goals and Achieve Them post, I talked about steps to take to be more successful. In this post, I want to go more into detail about what these steps look like.

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It seems that through all of my studying, there is almost a pattern to success. Of course the details change from person to person, but from everything I’ve read or listened to, they all agree on these 6 things:

  1. Write Down Your Goals. I talked about this in my last post, but it was such a constant theme that I wanted to say it again. Writing down your goals gives you a constant reminder of what you truly want to accomplish. It is so easy to get into the mediocre routine of life and lose focus. Seeing your goals daily will help you by letting you remember what you told yourself you wanted when you felt most motivated for change.
  2. Keep A Journal. Rachel Hollis, Michael Hyatt, John Maxwell, and may others stress the importance of this practice. In your journal, you should be keeping track of a few things: your weekly goals, your daily goals,  5 things you are thankful for each day, and your biggest wins at the end of each week. Sometimes it’s hard to see progress. You keep moving forward and forget how far you have come. Keeping a journal will not only keep you on track, but will motivate you by helping you see progress. My favorite journal is the Full Focus Journal from Michael Hyatt (https://fullfocusjournal.com/  <–buy it here). It breaks down everything for you and keeps your daily journaling simple and organized.
  3. Have A Routine. Like you will see in the Full Focus Journal, there is a morning routine and an evening routine. Your morning routine should be setting your goals for each day, and your evening routine should be a reflection of the day followed up with some kind of winding down. For example, my morning routine is: make coffee, read my Bible for 10mins, decide my big 3 daily goals, and workout.
  4. “Hope is not a strategy”. This quote is serious. I first heard it this morning while listening to Rachel Hollis’ Instagram live video and it inspired me so much that I had to include it here. She ends up saying that she read it in John Maxwell’s book “15 Invaluable Laws of Growth”. Anyway, she goes on to say that you can not hope success into existence. She said that is like saying “oh I hope I get healthier” and then never taking action to get there. You can not hope your way into success. You have to put in the work.
  5. Find your gap. John Maxwell talks about success gaps that keep you from your goals. There are 8, but I will share the 2 that resonate with me most heavily. The Perfection Gap. This one is what holds me back more than anything else. Sometimes I can’t get myself to start anything because before I start, I want everything to be perfect. Maxwell explains that to be able to be perfect, you must first start. Mind blown. The Comparison Gap. This is where you compare yourself to more successful people so often that it breaks you down mentally and keeps you from making progress. The advise is to take a page out of Nike’s book and “Just Do It”. Maxwell says you can only learn if others are ahead of you.
  6. Commit. I will be the first to admit that I am the most impatient person I know. The advice I’ve heard over and over again is that you have to commit to your goals. Success is not born overnight. Walt Disney was fired at age 22 for “not being creative enough”. Oprah was told that she was “unfit for television news”. JK Rowling was fired from her secretary job and lived on welfare. She described it by saying, “I had failed on an epic scale. An exceptionally short-lived marriage had imploded and I was a jobless alone parent and as poor as it was possible to be in Britain without being homeless.” Can you imagine if these people were not committed to their goals? The world would be a much different place.

Do you practice any of these steps? How have they helped you accomplish your goals? Let me know in the comments!