If you’re like me, you have had the tendency to seek out things that are not good for you. Maybe it’s the challenge of it all, maybe there is a slight immaturity to want what you can’t have like a toddler in the candy aisle, or maybe it’s to seek validation from someone who won’t give it.
Either way, here we are. Trying to figure out how to deal with the outcome. First, I think it is important to talk about what you SHOULD look for in relationships, whether platonic or romantic:
What you want, baby they better have it. Without respect, your relationship will never be what it could. I mean this in all aspects. You should not be around someone who is constantly trying to find your flaws or doesn’t genuinely support your dreams without judgement. These people are toxic.
You guys, I cannot stress this enough. If you do not trust someone, do not be around them. The amount of mental energy it takes to be around these people is simply not worth it. The never knowing if they mean what they say, the curiosity of how often they talk about you behind your back while saying the opposite to your face….again, toxic. This applies to your romantic relationships as well. If someone is not respecting the fact that you have a s/o and is trying to make sexual advances, they also are not respecting you. Time to say peace out to them whether it’s easy or not.
This kind of ties in with trust, but this is important enough to get it’s own section. I don’t know about you, but gone are the days that I am willing to wonder if someone isn’t talking to me anymore because of something I said or did, or if they “were asleep”. That is such a small, seemingly unimportant example, but it starts there and just continues to grow. However, I will put a disclaimer that if you expect honesty, you also have to be 100% honest yourself.
The road to healing:
If you have been in an abusive relationship, you view the world differently. Where previously there was a lot of restriction on personal expression, now there is not. And not only is that okay, but that is wonderful.
At this point you were taught to feel invalid. You were constantly broken down to the point where your self confidence is all but non existent. This creates a chain reaction to other areas of your life where you are afraid to try new things, you develop a belief that you have to keep feelings to yourself, and when it comes down to what you want to do with your life, you’re faced with uncertainty.
Here are my top tips:
1). Find someone you TRUST to talk to about how you’re feeling. In your previous abusive relationship, your emotions were probably often dismissed and you need to get that out.
2). Take care of yourself. You have to respect your mind and body to be able to heal. Drink water, get enough sleep, develop a workout routine. This will create a belief that you do deserve good treatment from yourself and from others.
3). Reflect and forgive. I’m going to be honest with you, I am still working on this. To be able to reflect and examine your past, you almost have to relive it and sometimes that is too much….but this MUST be done to move forward. If it helps, I recommend setting aside a time of day to allow yourself to think. This way it doesn’t become a constant battle throughout the day and you are mentally prepared to do what you have to do.
4). Let yourself feel everything. YOUR EMOTIONS ARE VALID. If you don’t eventually let yourself feel them, you will never let go and you will never grow. Let yourself cry, talk to that person you trust, or write it down. Writing has been my favorite outlet out of all of these.
“In the process of letting go, you will lose many things from the past, but you will find yourself.” – Deepak Chopra
Have you been in an emotionally distant/abusive relationship? What helped you?