Imagine being completely shocked and completely clueless at the same time. To me, it’s like seeing a human sized spider. It’s standing there, hovering over you, and you’re terrified and thinking “well I’ve never seen anything like this before” so you must be dreaming. Except you’re not. And you have to keep reminding yourself of that even though it’s standing there right in front of you. That is what my entire first trimester was like.
So I think I’ve effectively covered that I was terrified. HOWEVER, I also received a lot of peace. First of all, since I asked that “we aren’t having a baby” question, I started praying about having a baby. Something about it just seemed to stay on my mind. I didn’t pray for a baby, I prayed that we would not have one until we were ready. If you don’t believe in prayer, that’s fine, but it helped me tremendously considering everything that I realized after that. For example, Tyler had been saying for awhile that the only thing holding him back from wanting to have a child is that he wanted us to have one more quality vacation together, just the two of us. We had decided in November 2016 to start saving for a trip to Universal in Orlando, FL. So it’s January and our trip to Universal is booked for March. I found out I was pregnant at the beginning of March…..funny how that worked out. Needless to say, I felt like God knew we were ready and that helped me be okay with it!
Though I was able to find moments of peace, there are so many things to think about in that first trimester. Number one being potential miscarriage, but also how this would affect my job. I love my job and it’s selfish, but I wasn’t sure I wanted something to get in the way of it. I decided to keep my news a secret until I had cleared the 12 week mark because until then I told myself it wasn’t real anyway. I’m great at facing my fears. Keeping it a secret at work was actually really difficult because of the morning sickness (more on that in a second), but I was also really worried about how people would consider my work ethic once they found out. If I make one mistake, they’ll go “well yeah, she’s slacking, but she’s pregnant so you can’t say anything”. The solution? BUST ASS and show everyone what I’m capable of doing. So that’s what I did.
The Morning Sickness
I have a really obsessive personality. I read everything there was to read about morning sickness that was available. By the time we took our Universal trip, I was 6 weeks pregnant and knew that that was about the time when people get morning sickness if they’re going to….but I had felt nothing up until this point and I wasn’t going to let a fear of sickness ruin my chance to see Hogwarts. However, I very distinctly remember the first time I started to feel queasy. We were on our way to Universal, we had pulled into a McDonalds (because obviously, McDoubles), and I instantly felt car sick. And I really wish that’s what it had been because that would’ve been easier. I didn’t physically get sick, but I felt nauseous all night and through the next day. Thankfully, I did not throw up even one time at our stay in Florida. I was nauseous enough though to never want to wear my Slytherin t-shirt again. It’s still in my drawer, and I have not worn it since that trip. If only I knew this was CHILD’S PLAY for a growing fetus. Child’s. Play.
The next 2 months were ROUGH. To add to the drama, I am terrified of throwing up. I don’t know why, but I will do ANYTHING to not be sick. You read about the people who say “morning sickness isn’t just morning sickness. It’s all day” and you hear that and you don’t think it’ll be that bad for you because when people talk about pregnancy, they’re always speaking to their beautiful experience. I call MAJOR BS. Pregnancy is not beautiful and my first trimester will be ingrained in my mind forever. Nothing made me feel better. I tried crackers, I tried ginger everything; meat made me sick, coffee made me sick, water made me sick, breathing made me sick. It got to the point where when I would think about what to eat, I would think about what would be easiest to throw up. As someone who lives for food, this was a tragic experience. I will tell you this, I will NEVER eat an eggroll from Publix again.
Side note: I gained almost 20lbs in just this trimester because everything made me feel horrible and I only ate junk. I’ve always been very body conscious and very healthy, so to see myself balloon up was something I was not mentally prepared for.
Here is one of those not so beautiful pregnancy moments. I legitimately thought (several times) that this was not worth it. I can not endure this even one more second. I cried a lot because I was so miserable. I was so miserable and why oh why do people get pregnant on purpose?